


Words

by eternalmurasaki



Category: Figure Skating RPF
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-19
Updated: 2019-05-19
Packaged: 2020-03-07 21:45:26
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,375
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18881860
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/eternalmurasaki/pseuds/eternalmurasaki
Summary: Yuzu is rather content with the way he handles words.He has had good training after all: being on TV ever since he was a kid helps. He's used to carefully chosing his words and has analyzed so many past interviews of his that it's now almost easy.(...)Toning down words is easy but... how can he tone down things his body expresses against his will? He works on it. He gets better.





	Words

Yuzu is rather content with the way he handles words.

He has had good training after all: being on TV ever since he was a kid helps. He's used to carefully chosing his words and has analyzed so many past interviews of his that it's now almost easy.

He does occasionally regret opening up too much, but later tones down his speech - in the hope that the public will forget words that had fought their way out of his mouth on a day his emotions were unfortunately too close to the surface.

There are however people who can read him even without a single word. He doesn't have to worry about saying too much or too little, they just know what they need to know.

Tracy knows when he's in a good mental space. 

Brian knows when he needs to be left alone - and knows to nonetheless keep an eye on him.

Javi knows when his hand is welcome to help Yuzu get up or when Yuzu wants zero interaction.

Face expressions and gestures say it all.

A happy, excited glance.

A strong fighter's look.

A giggle.

A frown.

More rarely, a comfort-seeking glance. Because there are people who just know. Pleople who he's ready to show that need to.

There's the controlled face he shows everyone, where everything is thought through and polished. Soft bandaids covering what needs to be covered.

Only select few people get to see what's underneath. Why should he show just how bad some gashes still are?

The one related to the 2011 tsunami has become public knowledge. He has learnt to talk about it when necessary. He has managed to find the help he needed and is now able to open up about it to help others. It's an injury that isn't wide open anymore, he can stand people prodding it even if there is a certain level of pain that will never go away.

He decides who's allowed to tug at each bandaid. 

He used to keep physical issues hidden - because what was the point of telling someone his knee, back or ankle were hurting? He had however learnt the hard way that sometimes, even if it hurts, he needs to rip off the bandages and let Brian know precisely what's wrong.

There are bandages he never rips off. He doesn't want anyone prodding at some things. He doesn't even want to look at them himself. He knows they are there, but convinces himself they don't matter.

Solitude is what he needs after all, right? It's what he _wants_.

Feeling like skating is the only thing that matters in his life... like it's the only thing in him that is worth something-

No, Yuzu pushes that thought away. He's not going to step into that topic now.

The end of 2017 had made him have to prod that thought over and over again and it had been hell. His health is alright now, so... he doesn't have to think about that. He _won't_.

There are issues close people know, then there are some he is the only one who knows about.

The one concerning Javi... he has prodded it way too much. Sometimes he looks at it straight on. Sometimes he wraps it and stores it away safely.

Brian and Tracy have learnt to read into his emotions and to even talk to him when it's affecting his performance or when he obviously needs help - he knows that with them some bandaids aren't hiding much.

But there are some he'll keep in place and not take off for anyone.

Toning down words is easy but... how can he tone down things his body expresses against his will? He works on it. He gets better.

***

Javi has seen him at moments when he was too exhausted to hold any walls up. At moments when his world was crumbling or shining to an extent he was unable to hold in his emotions.

Yuzu wishes he could hide his most intimate emotions. What he's feeling is no-one's business, he has in mind to just give people the smiles they deserve, but he has noticed that he's better at schooling his features in some situations than in others. He has also come to the conclusion that occasionally, people don't deserve to think everything is easy.

He has gotten rather good at hiding signs of physical pain, and thinking only about his performance. But once his performance is done, it's another story.

It's always a bit different where Javi is concerned. Warm feelings similar to what he feels for his other training mates aren't a problem - Javi deserves to see those smiles as much as the others, maybe even more so because he's a precious friend.

However a memory that troubles Yuzu to this day is the first moment he turned into an absolute mess without understanding what the hell was going on. Without understanding that it would later have to be one of the emotions he covers up and treats carefully.

***

Worlds 2015.

Pissed and heartbroken at the thought of losing.

Javi had done such a good job, and looked so happy... Of course Yuzu had been happy for him.

How does one deal with feeling heartbroken but feeling his heart swelling with pride at the same time?

Feeling like an asshole for never expecting Javi to one day be World Champion, feeling angry at himself and feeling joy for his friend.

Hating himself, hating that Javi was able to be so gentle despite Yuzu's weird behaviour... wishing he could convince Javi that he was actually happy for him despite his tears.

Back then Yuzu hadn't immediately realized what his feelings were. But in hindsight... Yuzu thinks that if there is one specific moment his heart realized he was in love, that has to be it.

Because his heart had been thumping like never before.

Because Javi's gentle hugs, gentle smiles and his warmest eyes had looked more precious than any medal Yuzu had ever won.

What a day.

What a night.

A sleepless one where Yuzu wasn't crying anymore but was lost in thought.

Staring at the hotel room's ceiling, finally voicing feelings he'd probably unconsciously harboured for a while without knowing it: he loved Javi. Loved him in a way that was scary for him. 

Was it normal for his heart to still be thumping like crazy at 2am?

He never voices those words out loud but he wonders if Javi had seen through him.

***

With time, Yuzu has learned to school his facial expressions better, but competitions are always moments when masks fall. Once the pressure is gone, once all there is left to do is celebrate, congratulate and relax a little, he lets himself open up a bit more.

Javi is used to seeing his friendly affection on a daily basis when they train together. But after an intense competition where they both go through rough times, Yuzu sometimes lets more of his affection show.

Even if it's officially just friendly affection, Javi deserves to know he's precious to Yuzu.

Yuzu wants him to know he's loved. Javi doesn't need to know what kind of love it is but he deserves to know he's loved.

Sometimes it's a bit weird and almost disappointing for Yuzu to go back to a more toned down behaviour in Toronto but it's easier that way. Constantly wearing his heart on his sleeve feels too dangerous - how can he focus on what matters if the extent of what he feels isn't safely covered and tucked away?

There's affection he can show... and there's affection he will only show when intense situations make it necessary.

Maybe it's like a gash that is still bleeding: sometimes it needs to be uncovered and treated before covering it up again.

***

There are two times Yuzu feels the urge to say it. It's a scary, unsettling feeling. Because confessing never, never felt like a good idea before.

It first happens in Pyeongchang.

His throat is closing up and his tongue feels dry... he wants to say it. He needs to say it.

But he can't.

There are cameras all around him, seeing him become an emotional mess - again.

Javi has just told him this will be their last shared podium and nothing else matters anymore.

"No."

"I can't."

_You are my strength. My friend. My everything._

None of his confession comes out. But when he sees Javi's open gaze, the tear he promptly wipes away before anyone sees it, Yuzu wonders.

Yuzu hopes.

Javi is good at reading him.

Can he read what Yuzu can't say?

Does Yuzu _want_ him to know? Yes. Oh yes how he wishes Javier knew, he thinks as he wipes his tears.

Yuzu breathes and tries to recollect himself.

On his way to the podium he gives Javi his warmest smile.

Javi deserves a warm, happy experience, not a painful one.

 

That night is another sleepless one. His heart isn't thumping like in 2015. It's a quiet night where Yuzu is staring at the ceiling, remembering precious memories.

Competitions, galas.

Hugs, smiles.

Advice, picking each other up - physically and sometimes emotionally.

Keeping an eye on each other as rivals.

Challenging each other.

Caring about each other.

He'll never get a rivalry as perfect as this one.

Never.

He breathes out and he tries to keep overwhelming emotions at bay.

He knows Javi is spending the night with his girlfriend, that's nothing new and Javi deserves to spend the night with the person he loves.

Yuzu mentally curses himself for going in that territory... should he really be prodding those thoughts again?

Feeling happy and sad at the same time again. For a whole other reason.

He knows there's no point for him to regret not _saying it_. But he can't help it... he wishes he had given in and whispered the words to him either in the green room or at the rinkside.

Javi would have known those words weren't spoken out lightly. That they meant a lot and definitely weren't just a spur of the moment sentence. That they carried the weight of years of shared experiences. Years of emotions.

 _I love you_.

 

Every time he sees Javi after that, those words are the only ones on his mind. During Gala rehearsal, during the event. When he holds out his hands behind him and holds onto his.

 _I love you_.

It's almost like the covering bandaid doesn't exist anymore. He doesn't want it there anymore. The only thing that is missing is words.

***

When Yuzu reads Javi's words in a recent interview, he's thrown back to the memory of his own realization.

Years later, after retiring Javi is mentionning Worlds 2015 as one of his most precious memories and Yuzu needs to close his eyes.

Javi mentions him. 

Does he know? Does Javi realise why exactly their friendship shifted after that?

Even without seeing Javi anymore, Yuzu is still overcome with urges to voice out his thoughts.

He has already said so much in interviews... maybe too much.

He heart is just so full of love there's not space left in him to keep it all inside. But he still tries to keep those words in.

***

The second time he feels the urge to tell him is when they are having their last conversation in Toronto.

He can barely think. He mind is screaming at him that Javi deserves to know how much he means to him. Regardless of the outcome, regardless of the fact that Yuzu's love is certainly unrequited...

Javi deserves to know he's special. Precious. Wonderful.

"I'll miss you."

_I love you._

Yuzu wants to say it. But if he does, he'll cry and he doesn't want that to be Javi's last memory of his life in Canada.

The long hug they share helps. Javier is holding him so tightly, so gently... Yuzu comes to peace with the thought of never telling him. His touch is so caring, soothing... Yuzu presses his forehead on his shoulder and breathes. Javi rests his cheek against the side of his head, his embrace so warm and reassuring, like always. An embrace that always somehow helped Yuzu tell himself everything will be alright. 

***

Yuzu feels at the bottom of the pit. Of course he didn't win Worlds 2019. Miracles can't repeat indefinitely.

He didn't manage to completely hide his disappointment on TV but at least he didn't break down. That magical mix of pure happiness and distress can only happen when Javier is the winner.

He sighs.

He has opened up a bit more than usual to the media about his feelings regarding the competition, but he misses the feeling of displaying his love to Javi... 

In the end, competitions were the only moments he opened up about it. When Javi had left Toronto, Yuzu had thought he was ready to simply tuck away those feelings for good but in the end... never opening up about it anymore was unfamiliar territory.

He still loves Figure Skating. Loves competing. But something will always feel like it's missing.

How he wishes he had _told him_... but it's too late now. There will be no other occasion for him to-

There is a knock on his hotel room door.

***

Javi knows him better than anyone else. Knows that if he's left alone tonight he will rewatch his competition too many times and pointlessly overthink instead of resting.

In the past he never joined Yuzu in his hotel room, but the past was different... in the end, maybe he also feels like something is missing if he doesn't see Yuzu after a missed gold medal.

The younger brushes that thought away. Javi hasn't hugged him.

He is giving him a warm smile, though, and Yuzu already feels better, the silver medal pushed a bit further to the back of his mind - still daunting, but at least it's not an invasive thought anymore, now that Javi is here.

He brought a console and a videogame Yuzu loves, despite the fact that the older barely knows it.

The evening starts out slightly awkwardly but Yuzu appreciates Javi's effort. He certainly hadn't expected this visit and welcomes it. They play for hours until Javi looks sleepy, mumbles that he needs a short break and lies down.

It doesn't matter if he's tired and there's no interaction anymore - Yuzu simply enjoys his calm presence and watches his peaceful motionless face. After some hesitation, the younger turns off the light and makes up his mind. 

If Javi will stay asleep he might as well join him. He however stays awake and turns on a bedside light - he feels slightly selfish but if Javi is staying, he might as well take in the sight and memorize what he looks like when he's sleeping.

***

It's been quite a while since Javi last moved in his sleep when an unexpected idea comes to Yuzu - this might be his only chance to let out the words that he needs to speak without there being any consequence.

But... no.

He can't do something crazy like this.

Yuzu lies down and sighs. His pulse however ignores his decision to not say anything.

His eyes keep going back to Javi. His precious, beautiful Javi.

His wonderful friend who wanted to spend time with him tonight to help him overcome his disappointment.

His support.

His strength.

His everything.

Yuzu tries to ignore the lump in his throat. He's not stupid, he knows there's no point in saying it.

He ends up turning off the lamp. Maybe staying in the dark is better for him after all. It makes it easier for him to take deep breaths and calm down. 

Training without Javi is hard, he sorely misses him but... he made it until now, he'll make it futher.

He's still staring at the ceiling, despite not seeing it anymore. His pulse finally calms down too - he's gradually more at peace with the situation. Resigned.

For some reason, calming down makes the situation less scary. Maybe the dark helps too - in this environment, Yuzu feels like he's alone with his thoughts.

His instinct is telling him he'll never find peace if he never says it out loud.  
That damn bandaid needs to be removed and thrown away. He's been fumbling with it for way too long.

He suddenly feels a bit nervous again, but what does he have to lose?

There's nothing to lose.

"Aishiteimasu" he whispers and takes a deep breath. 

Javi is asleep and has heard nothing - no risk taken. No move, not a sign.

Yuzu exhales. 

Well, now that he had taken that first step... maybe he can say it in English too. After all, it's in English that he's imagined saying it over and over again and he likes challenges.

"...I love you."

His pulse is skyrocketing again. God, saying this feels so good. How could he think saying nothing was fine??

There is still no sign of Javi waking up and Yuzu almost wants to giggle. He can't exactly tell where this exhileration comes from... it's probably because of how liberating it feels to finally let it all out.

He had kept his gates closed for what feels like forever. Saying these words is like making a dream come true. Making something untangible real.

"I love Javi."

He sighs contentedly. He enjoys the peaceful feeling and thinks that a perfect way to end this monologue would be in Spanish.

"Te amo."

Like this, googling the translation years ago wasn't a waste.

The bed shifts and Yuzu freezes.

Fuck.

Fuck!!

He rolls over to get up and leave the room: if he's lucky maybe Javi is just moving in his slee-

A hand misses his arm and catches his wrist.

"Yusu..."

A deep voice, still muffled.

"Yusu."

A clearer voice.

"I thought I was dreaming."

A vulnerable voice.

Yuzu can't talk. He can't breathe. He feels like the most stupid person alive and _hates_ the way he just handled words.

He ought to laugh it off, tell Javi that yes, he was just dreaming. But he's frozen to the spot.

Javi can certainly feel he's tense.

"Yuzu..."

Gentleness, of course.

It is pity that Javi feels ? Yuzu wants to cry.

A warm thumb gently brushes his cheek.

"Can I turn on the light?"

Yuzu shakes his head. Whispers "No."

"Can I... hug you?"

Javi never felt the need to ask before. Did he just ruin everything?

Yuzu exhales and covers the hand on his cheek with his own. He doesn't dare move, but he keeps their hands together like that and tries to breathe.

Javi takes that as a yes and slides an arm beneath him. His other hand stays on his face to stroke his cheek again.

"Please... can you say it again?"

Yuzu has never heard him sound so fragile. What did he just do? He hates himself so much. Why would Javi need confirmation that he wasn't dreaming? Isn't Yuzu's sorry state enough proof?

But since he has already ruined everything... he might as well just take responsibility.

He is terrified.

This isn't how he had expected this to go. He should have said it in Pyeongchang, dammit. It would have been easier to run away. To not deal with the consequences.

He swallows and licks his lips.

"Te amo," Yuzu whispers and feels like he's standing at the edge of a cliff.

Javi whimpers and grips his shoulders harder. Yuzu immediately wants to apologize but he doesn't have the strength to do that now. Doesn't even know how to do it.

"Yuzu... I always wondered, I hoped..."

Oh God why does Javi have to see him become a mess again and again? Tears are coming, he knows it. He damn knows it.

"Oh Yuzu."

He is pulled into a hug. His face pressed against Javi's thumping chest, Yuzu can't hold it in anymore and shudders.

He feels ridiculous. Lame. He should have shut up.

But the tears feel like they needed to come out. Those were tears that had been contained for way too long.

He just made a fool of himself, but maybe this experience will help him move on. At least, Javi is reacting kindly.

Oh Javi...

Yuzu's throat constricts and more tears come.

How did he deserve to get such a wonderful friend?

The older's hand is in his hair and 2015 memories come back to him - trust destiny to make memories of the beginning come back to him on the day this has to end.

The difference is that Javi's hand is trembling.

"Don't cry... I..." Javi takes a deep breath and Yuzu can feel that he's not the only one who is overwhelmed.

"I love you too. Te amo, Yuzu."

Yuzu freezes again.

What?

What??

No, he has to be dreaming.

Javi's hand is still stroking his hair.

Yuzu presses his head deeper into his chest. This can't be true.

But Javi's heart is beating so quickly against him.

The younger makes a muffled sound againd his chest and clutches his shirt.

Yuzu starts to worry when he feels Javi stretch away and wonders what he's up to - until his bedside light is turned on.

Shit.

He instantly covers his face with his hands and feels the mattress dip next to him when Javi is back.

Ripping off a bandaid is hard enough in the dark. He doesn't want Javi to see just how much of a mess he is. What he looks like when his broken heart is on full display.

Yes, broken heart, because there's no way Javi just said that. He must have imagined it.

"Hey..." 

Voice gentle. Slightly less vulnerable. Happy, even.

Javi slowly takes Yuzu's hands in his.

Yuzu is terrified but finally looks back at him and suddenly his embarrassment is overshadowed by what he sees.

Javi is so beautiful.

So kind.

So wonderful.

God, Yuzu loves him so much.

"Javi..." he croaks.

"I love you, Yuzu."

Their gazes stay locked and Yuzu sees so much affection in his friend's eyes he needs to be in his arms. Now.

His jaw is quivering, he can't say a word, he just-

He exhales when he's finally pressed back against Javi's chest and feels a kiss on his head. A warm, tight embrace.

"Didn't you know...?"

Know? How the hell could Yuzu know?

"You've always been the champion in my heart. Not just as a skater. But as a human being," the older says softly.

Yuzu doesn't want to cry again. Javi deserves love, love and love.

It's hard not to cry, though.

Those words... they make him feel like Javi would love him even if Yuzu took off all his protective barriers and showed him everything that is wrong with him. Everything that he always tries to kept hidden.

Would Javi really still love him?

He already knows more about him than anyone else... he just doesn't know the extent of some of his pains.

Yuzu takes a deep breath and tries to calm down. One thing at a time.

And if Javi has bandages that need to be taken care of too, he wants to do so and help him open up too - if he wants to. More tears had come because the thought of opening up is a huge step for Yuzu, but he knows everything hasn't been easy for his friend either.

Yuzu kisses his chest. Because Javi's heart is the most beautiful heart he has ever known and he will never let it go. Never.

He stays there for a few moments, enjoying the feeling of Javi's quick pulse but then shifts to go back to Javi's face and hesitantly puts a hand on his nape. Plays with his hair a little bit.

He's nervous and his touch must feel weird but Javi is smiling at him.

What is this world he's living in? The butterflies in his stomach are otherworldly.

He bites his lip and hesitantly brushes Javi's cheek.

His lips twitch.

"What is it?" Javi asks.

"It's... itchy?" He's not sure what the right word is but... that damn beard.

Javi blinks. And then he's laughing and suddenly Yuzu laughs too and feels lighter than he has felt in centuries.

"Well if you must know, you have a shadow over your lip sometimes. Like today."

Yuzu playfully punches him.

Javi pokes out his tongue and acts like he playfully wants to see what that shadow would feel like under his thumb.

But once it's there, he stills.

His thumb slowly, slowly moves lower. He brushes Yuzu's lower lip and all playfullness is immediately gone.

His thumb pauses, twitches and he's staring at Yuzu. He licks his lips and Yuzu snaps. He clutches his tshirt and pulls.

Their lips brush agaisnt each other and _oh_. Javi's soft lips feel so good.  
Yuzu wants more although he's pretty sure he'll be clumsy but...

Javi pulls away, a bit breathless.

"Oh Yuzu..."

What is it? Did he do something wrong?

"Kiss me," Javi then says and looks happy to see Yuzu make the move.

It's soft and slow.

Yuzu feels like he's melting.

When they part to breathe, Javi hugs him again.

"Would you mind if I sleep here?"

Of course Yuzu wouldn't.

 

He feels on fire when Javi later sees him put on his pajamas.

Even more so when he sees that Javi is just going to sleep in his boxers.

"Do you think I look too 'itchy' all over, is that it?" Javi jokes.

Yuzu rolls his eyes and just pulls up the covers to let them get underneath. He bets Javi's body hair can be soft too... he's kind of curious to be honest, but he doesn't want to rush things either.

He needs to be in his arms, though, so he crawls up against him and quickly gets the confirmation that Javi's chest is comfortable.

Their breath is slowing down and he feels like he is in heaven.

There's still a small lump in his throat when he decides to say the words again, just before falling asleep. But it's not scary anymore.

"I love you, Javi."

He doesn't need the bandaid anymore. No more pain, nothing to hide.

"I love you too, Yuzu. Good night."

**Author's Note:**

> What can I say... I had intense feelings last night and all my yuzuvier thoughts needed to go somewhere.
> 
> When I write that something is "wrong" with Yuzu in this fic, that's his perception. I don't think there's anything wrong with him. I worry about him when he talks about living up to expectations, among other things.
> 
> I just hope he receives all the love he deserves ❤.  
> He is a wonderful human being, not "just" an amazing skater.
> 
>  
> 
> ...apparently I needed to ramble too xD. Sorry.
> 
> A big thanks to my friend [mybigfatcat](https://archiveofourown.org/users/mybigfatcat/pseuds/mybigfatcat) who patiently read my draft before I posted it and gave me kind encouraging words ❤.


End file.
